Saturday, March 22, 2008

No Direction Home

Lately, I have been thinking about home, not the place I grew up or whatever, but just the term itself, and what it actually means. The term seems to be used in so many different ways. Type it into, and they'll give you 30 different ways it is used. They say home is where the heart is, and that there's no place like home. So I guess I ask myself, where is this place that my heart is that is like no other place? Home is where the heart is, what does that even mean? The only thing I can think of is that it is the place where everything inside of you longs to be. So then, where do I long to be? The only problem with this is I know wherever I might go, there is always going to be someplace else I miss and wish I was.
I think the idea of home is greatly represented in America's favorite past time, baseball. The whole goal of a baseball game is to reach homeplate as many times as possible. Everyone is trying to run home. And what is the greatest single act in baseball? the homerun. Because that is the quickest and best way to get you (and anyone else out there running around trying to get home) home, the place everyone longs to be. Its much like that in real life. Everyone longs for home, or if they don't like their current home, they at least long for a new place where they will feel at home.
I once, for a short time, called England my home, and looking back, it was grand. But it wasn't the place that made it grand, it was more the great friends I lived with that made the experience so great. Though that place was amazing, if I were to go back, it just wouldn't be anywhere near the same because those people who made it so great aren't there, and never again will be. I went to the same school kindergarten through 12'th grade, and it became a kind of home to me. I spent more of my childhood there than any other single place, and though it wasn't all fun and games, that last year of high school was pretty darn good. It had that carefree feeling of home to it, but now, is nothing but a fond memory.
The place I currently call home is great, and I no doubt will someday look back upon this time in my life as a wonderful fun experience, but I am not sure if it has that feeling of home to it. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't: it comes and goes. A majority of the time, I seem to think of home as a thing of the past or something I will once again experience in the future. That's not to say I don't enjoy the present; it's just that there is often that longing of the good old days that felt like home, and the hope that I will someday recreate a new version of them. Like maybe when I am married and established and start a new home of my own. I guess I just have a tendency to romanticize the past, as well as the future. Sure enough, in a few years, I will look back and think of all the wonderful times I am experiencing right now, but for now, its just life, full of its ups and downs.
It seems to me that you reach this point in life and nowhere really feels completely like home anymore. You go back to where your parents live, the place always known as home, and it has changed, your room isn't there anymore, that feeling of belonging isn't there, and while you are fully lovingly welcome at all times, you feel like it just isn't right to stay there anymore. You've moved on, but yet still long for that old feeling the place once had.
And thats the thing, though there is always a place you call home, to me, the word seems to represent a feeling much more than a place. So what is that feeling, how is it defined? I suppose it is just the feeling of complete belonging and complete happiness. It can be the feeling you get when in the arms of a loved one, or that occasional feeling that happens when you step back for a second, look around you, and take notice of the friends around you and realize all these people really care about you, and that you thoroughly enjoy being around them as well. That, to me, is the essence of home, and I'd bet Heaven will be engulfed in this feeling.
Now, as I rap this thing up finally, I realize it is just a big mess of muggled up thoughts that don't make perfect sense. I think I may have took this blog a little too far. Nonetheless, as it is just a blog that maybe 5 people will read, I think I am done with it and glad to have it all out. I hope you enjoyed a small piece of it at least. And to give credit, I must admit that much of this thinking was a result of a conversation in the movie Garden State. Though I haven't seen the movie in several years, and though it didn't really mean all that much to me at the time, the conversation, or at least the main thought in it, always stuck with me. It probably puts everything I said in a much simpler, shorter, and easy to read way. So I looked it up, and here it is in print:

There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed.

There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of wish I'd missed.

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in...

isn't really your home anymore.

All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your $#!*...

that idea of home is gone.

I still feel at home in my house.

You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone.

You feel like you can never get it back.

It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist.

Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know?

You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself.

You know, for... For your kids. For the family you start.

It's like a cycle or something.

I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know?

Maybe that's all family really is.

A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.


Anonymous said...

wow shaun.
to say "well said" would put this blog to injustice.

How about "You should write a book with this stuff"?

I don't even know...either way bro, you rocked me with this. spending today with tori and caleb (just the three of us) in this place that i call home now, i think my subconscious was having this conversation with you and now i'm sitting here reading this and you put some of those deep thoughts to words so perfectly.

The thing was, i felt so at home with them.

We went to lunch with my good friend/pastor, jim. He was asking them about nampa and stuff...i don't was just weird cause tori and i actually started crying thinking back on last summer and our good times together (me and her and me and you and caleb and joe and diana and tori and kaysha). I was just thinking about all those/these things and realizing that yeah--home is where the heart is. But no, my heart isn't in any location really--but my you have my heart, she does, you all do. and fortunately, i think my heart has enough pieces to share with some people here too...which is why this also feels like home.

I love you man.

shaun said...

Chad, you're too kind. I love you too man. It's easy to feel at home around you; you're best quality probably. I think we've probably spent less than a month total in the same state, and yet it has seemed like we have been old friends ever since my first trip up here, or maybe even as soon as that first night I met you driving into Nampa and you running out to our car waving us in acting like we were old friends already and excited to have us there. Never felt so welcome in a strange place all my life. So basically, without sounding too much like I have a man crush on you, just wanted to say you're a great guy and I look forward to the next time we get to hang out, cause I have fun every time.

Anonymous said...

YOU are too kind. Thank you my friend. I would like to say that I'm a very extroverted embodiment of a much shyer body of people--i.e.:Caleb/tori's excitement transferred into me=running down the road bare-footed to greet you. Also, The Shakims being so hospitable and me throwing a dance party at their house. I don't want to take too much credit though...they are just really amazing people and I just happen to have some strong ties to them.

Anyways, I'm tentatively planning on "coming home" for several days (maybe a whole week?) leading up to i'll see you then! Peace bro.

thefamousnic said...

well said.

thefamousnic said...

that was a joke. these are brilliant and honest thoughts.

Fronde said...

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